NEWSLETTER IS UP:
JANUARY 2015, E.V.
Collective sigh of relief as the close approach of asteroid 2004 BL86 was just that – a near miss, as opposed to having been deflected by some interplanetary force playing cosmic pinball. (Note: Actually, that’s NOT the ‘dark clouds part to reveal blue skies’ event that I was planning on reporting in this newsletter, but with Mercury still retrograde – you know, those red shaded days when Jack-In-The-Box drive thru orders are often wrong, when pacemakers go haywire, and game day footballs deflate themselves to a pressure below league standards – then why not go trouser chili over the possibility of a change in the trajectory of the mountain sized rock, which results in a violent impact with our aqueous garbage patch? Three times the distance of earth to the moon isn’t shit for an asteroid that has its own orbiting moon, especially if that moon is actually an artificial body intelligently piloted! But for the time being we’ve dodged yet another doomsayer’s forthcoming apocalypse, meaning that what I’m about to share with you is still relevant.)
In order to bypass the elaborate security system at the Tool Loft, our best bet is to use our remote viewing skills (meaning to use one’s psychic abilities, which in this case would be retro cognition) to have a look at a particular object (i.e. target) located in the front room. For those who haven’t mastered the science of astral projection (a rose by any other name…), let’s see if I can help you check out the object in question.
While spending 3 days at the Loft working on a project with Danny a couple of weeks ago, during a moment of down time, I found myself scratching my head in disbelief while examining that damned Dry-Erase board that the band members are so fond of. Although I knew that I was looking at a new musical arrangement (with verses, time signatures, and stops), to the uninitiated the unfathomable jumble would appear as a mnemonic breadcrumb trail scrawled with multicolored markers. Over the years I’ve seen my fair share of this peculiar system for writing music, but this was a real doozy. You might expect to see something like this on a blackboard at CERN, only instead of abstruse mathematical formulas having to do with a large particle accelerator, the mishmash of symbols and mnemonic triggers were the musical equivalent.
For a minute I thought about playing a little prank and changing a few things around (as I did once before when the band was working on material for a previous record), but quickly decided against it. I did take a few photos of the Dry-Erase board, but this Mxyzptlk isn’t stupid enough to say Kltpzyxm! Taking a final glance, I noticed the magical words, “The End.” I assume that this means that the musical arrangement for this particular tune is finished. Or does it just mean that the guys know where and how it will end? When I go back this weekend to continue working on the project with Danny (don’t fret, the guys don’t work on the weekends), I will be sure to see if anything has changed.
With no pressing Tool related news at the time (at least that I can speak of), lets answer some e-mail that has been stacking up in my in-box…
Q: “If I pay extra.... like $40... can I get the shirt with out the stupid poem?”
A: Nobody likes a Wisenheimer, but sure you can pay $40.00 for the shirt without the esoteric verses (which aren’t being offered now anyway). And I will be checking with Merch to see if you really buy one NOW that you’ve had your moment of glory…
COMMENT: “ I placed an order [for the Crowley tee-shirt] on the 17th [of January] with the confirmation #666. Made my day.”
REPLY: All confirmations are 666. Just kidding. How fortuitous! I hope that the Wisenheimer sees what he missed by not ordering one with the stupid poem...
Q: “I am wondering what it would take to be a roadie for Tool. I absolutely love Tool and have been a fan for a number of years. The influence Tool has had on my life runs deep, you guys changed who I was and inspired me. I was thinking though that I really want to help you guys tour. I would love to do anything from moving heavy equipment to wrapping up chords, sell merchandise, work with a team. It would be awesome to travel around the country helping out an awesome band. Being a roadie would give me the chance to get out and explore the country for a time. I love you guys, and I am committed to helping you out in any way possible.”
A: It is certainly not my intent to crush anyone’s dreams, but to become one of Tool’s technical support crew is truly one of the most difficult things that one can do while living on this earth. You have a better chance of being hit square on the head by an asteroid with its own artificial moon, or figuring out a new Tool musical arrangement by merely examining the band’s Dry-Erase board. The technical support group for Tool is an elite bunch indeed, more so than the Bilderberg Group, Delta Force, ZS Associates, and the Hashshashin. Before anyone is even considered for the job interview process itself, they are subjected to a battery of nerve-racking written and oral pre-exams!
These tests include questions about how to identify a SLIDER – being an acronym for “Street Lamp Interference Data-Exchange” – a person who might cause all types of electronic havoc to occur with the equipment during a performance. Another question might be: What Caduceus Cellars wine goes best with a New York Strip with cognac butter and Portobello mushroom ragout, the Primer Paso or 2006 Nagual de la Naga? (Yep, sometimes there are trick questions). As another example, suppose one of the venue’s local crew members (a roadie!) – say in Georgia – refuses to help you erect one of Danny’s talismanic boards by claiming that “the lamb is my Savior!” How should you react to this, other than by hissing “Apo pantos kakodaimonos?”
Say the band is playing in Portland, Oregon. Would you know how to tell the difference between a poisonous Hobo Spider and a similar looking large aggressive house spider (without contacting Rance Q. Spartley)? And finally, should you encounter Adam with an expression of sinister mirth on his face while riding a tiny bicycle and drinking a bottle of MaCallans Scotch, what should you do… if this was before the show? (Again, watch out for trick questions!)
After acing all the interview questions, passing the written exams, and meeting all the qualifications, the candidate is then sent away to live in isolation (from human habitation) for a required period of time. This is designed to break all ties to his former self, as well as to build character. While in the solitude of leafless trees, or in a gloomy damp cave, one is to have no communication with the outside world as one cleanses the body of all indole poisons (destroyers, obstructers, and confusers!). This “Path Full of Thorns” is the path of liberation on one’s way to becoming part of Tool’s technical support crew. Add to it a little cryotherapy and sweat lodge heat exposure and you’re almost there… Believe me, after sleeping on stones and nettles, any tour coach will seem like a penthouse suite at the Four Seasons!
After six months living in isolation, the candidate is moved into a ‘tour bus dormitory’ at the band’s technical support training complex (at an undisclosed location). This is the complete opposite of the forest retreat, with mock liquor stores, strip clubs and fast food joints. Needless to say, here, the indolic concept is thrown out the window, and replaced by a plastic and cardboard cornucopia of Dominos pepperoni pizzas, 7-11 donuts, Twinkies spread with deviled ham, cheese puffs, pork rinds, slo-pokes, junkyard dogs, microwave burritos, etc. Definitely not beet soup with cilantro pesto!
After graduating from this strenuous program and swearing strict allegiance, one begins his (or her) apprenticeship, working as a member of the technical support crew during DECOY Tool shows. It normally takes a year or two before one advances to real Tool gigs, where the “roadie maggot” is not to make eye contact with a band member until he (or she) have a few tours under their belt.
As a reward for obedience and exemplary service, members of the technical support crew are promised work during higher vibrational frequency Tool performances. Here, they travel to the venues by the “Stairway of Understanding.” Few details are revealed about this dimly-perceived time-space-field, other than that the stage equipment is moved by elevators of magnetized dove feathers, while the crew enjoy spinach-filled bugles and macaroni & glitter washed down by rainbow-colored beverages. Instead of money, the crew is paid with green trading discs (same as on the earthly plane).
Q: “I was wondering if these towels on Danny's site are a limited run, or will they be there for a while yet? Thanks for your time, and have a Blessed 2015!”
A: Because “towels are important”, MORE shall be made available.
Q: “I’ve been following this site for quite sometime now and one thing has begun to stand out to me. The Baked Potatoe. Im beginning to think either A) Im going insane B)I am already insane C) there are messages being hidden in the constant barrage of Baked Potatoe endorsements. I noticed a typo in the New Years newsletter. Two letters missing from what clearly would've read usually. Blair doesn’t make typos. Another thing that stood out. So when he does, it leads me to believe he meant to leave out those letters. I want to go back and scrutinize the old BP ads...but fear that is a crazy mans journey.”
A: In that you are correct that BMB doesn’t make typoes, perhaps you should pursue this matter further… In fact, a good place to start would be to consider that the name, “VOLTO” is an ANAGRAM for “TOOL”, with an added “V.”
Q: "What does mysterious January 17 mean?.. Also, this is my first message to you (digitally ; )), however have been reading your stuff for years... So, do you think (or know) if practical magik is… the blessed-full is-is ((not forgetting general semantics))) sexual intercourse with ejaculation of semen into the female furnace or, holding in the semen during sexual intercourse, transmuting that mercurial stuff into conscious gold in the brain by the spinal channel delivery system, a la karezza?”
REPLY: Just be sure that if your desire is for a monetary treasure, that you ‘specify’ the amount during the focused-Will techniques of the Operation, lest you end up finding a rusty penny while on your way to the store to buy ketchup! Although I would like to elucidate further on this matter (especially with your choosing the word “conscious” in relation to “gold”), a new episode of “Extreme Couponing” is about to start, and I don’t want to miss it! Think and Think again, my friend…