June 11th, 2013 - Blair's new ramblings

The Main Event
User avatar
N.Y.H.C.
Serial Thrilla
Posts: 3604
Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:22 am

Post by N.Y.H.C. »

not sure if posting this is wrong, didn't see it in the rules. it is a public site, so I'm guessing it's cool. what does everyone make of this?

 

11 June, 2013 (03:05pm)
PEEPS FOR PREPPERS IN THE TRUE END TIMES?

 

The other day while watching a 'reality' television program in which a master doomsday prepper blew his thumb off while teaching his children how to shoot a gun, I received a frantic call from a friend who had just read a news report about giant neon pink slugs that had been recently discovered on a remote mountaintop in Australia. Seeing this story, he recalled a prediction involving similarly bizarre colored gastropods made many years ago by maverick entomologist Rance Q. Spartley in his controversial book entitled "The Unfolding Horror of Gigantic Flying Bug-Slugs in the True Coming Epochalypse." (Now an extremely rare book - just try to find a copy on the Internet!) Having read Spartley's fascinating tome when it was first published, the recent sightings of a new species of large bright pink slugs crawling on tree trunks and in red euCALYPtus leaves in a lush, mist-enshrouded modern day 'land of the lost' caused me pause for thought. For it was precisely in Australia's isolated Mount Kuputar National Park that the bespectacled bug man had set as the scene for the initial invasion of his creepy End of Days foe.

While scores of survivalists took to living in hidden shipping container 'bug-out' bunkers, their pantries filled with dehydrated squirrel jerky, assorted roots, and rainbow chard preserves as their family members prepared to stave off or wait out various doomsday scenarios such as a nuclear holocaust, bio-terrorism, super volcanoes, massive coronal ejections, runaway greenhouse effect, asteroid strikes, gamma ray zombies, hyperinflation and grain shortages, Spartley's book centered around an entirely different and almost inconceivable threat to humankind. This was not one of the more quixotic end time possibilities - things most preppers couldn't even image as they studied their seed catalogs - things like mini-black holes, particle accelerators gone wild (Hadron Collider!), leading to quantum vacuum collapse inevitability, Little Caesar's Pizza Proliferation, self-replicating nanobots on the blink, or something accidentally (or, more likely, intentionally) flipping the switch to our solar system's Universal Fine Tuning Factor... those fundamental constants that include everything from the mass of the electron neutrino to the original color of Oprah's eyebrows. What good are AR-15s and canned cheddar cheese when everything suddenly goes blank (or the even lesser scenario of the entire earth being turned into a grey slurpee or molecular nano-goo from ecophagy)? No, Spartley's worst nightmare involved slugs. Not flesh-eating ghost slugs, but brilliant pink ones...

The devil in question Spartley named TRIBONIOPHORUS GRAEFFEI VESPA MANDARINIA JAPONICA - a hybrid monstrosity formed by a giant Asian hornet and a large pink slug. Consider for a minute, Spartley wrote - the horror that is the giant Japanese hornet, a creature that sprays flesh-melting poison into its victim's eyes. Further consider, that this poison contains a certain nasty pheromone that causes hundreds of other like-minded giant hornets to attack, and whose sting causes one to experience pain that is off of the chart on the Schmidt Sting Index. And finally, realize that these hornets can fly over 50 miles in a single day.

So, as local malacologists (slug experts) currently remain all warm and fuzzy about the 'new' species of gastropod harmlessly going about its business of eating algae and moss on its magical Eden-like mountain, I wonder if any of them have read (or taken seriously) the warning in Spartley's book about non-semi permanent natural hybridization? For those who have read it, it is rather grim picture indeed that the world-renowned entomologist paints. Can you imagine, the author asks (on page 199) - what would happen if this freak of nature and the giant Asian Hornet were to become one via hybrid biology ... and keep feeding? Try to envision hordes - a living storm of fusion "bug-slugs" the size of modern aircraft carriers. In fact, try to envision -if you can - the ghastly spectacle of tens of thousands of flying enormous fluorescent pink creatures shooting flesh-dissolving substances before the blood-sucking slug aspect of it feasts on hundreds of thousands of writhing skinless bodies! All the while reproducing over the entire planet.

In a later chapter dealing with this possible threat to humankind, Spartley suggests a 'nip it in the bud' solution before any natural hybridization occurs. Forget about any copper deterrents, salt or Sluggo, though, the bug man makes clear in the book. What is needed is something on the level of Justin Bieber driving an old Ford Pinto backwards! (Obviously not in Spartley's book, as prophetic as it might be). This would appear to involve coaxing the now only 8-inch-long slugs to dine on something that contains high dozes of methaldyhyde poison. Rather than using spiked citrus rinds or Yoder's bacon, etc., the bait ought to be bright pink. To which the entomologist considered a variety of things, more recently claiming that the marshmallow candies called "Peeps" - those beady-eyed sugary chicks often placed in Easter baskets - ought to do the trick. Most remarkable of all is that with the relatively indestructible pink-colored Peeps confections; no poisons are required to eradicate the potentially dangerous slugs! In a final note, Spartley found it rather ironic that the possible savior of humankind involved something associated with Easter - a holiday that celebrates the resurrection of Jesus...
Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship, not excuses.
User avatar
'][' [[]] [[]] ][,
RIP
Posts: 337
Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2009 12:49 pm
Location: All of them.

Post by '][' [[]] [[]] ][, »




A bodice ripper plays pinochle with a bodice ripper near a philosopher. Some ruffian from a bonbon barely boogies a taxidermist for a trombone. A gingerly ballerina often buys an expensive gift for a bubble when infact somnambulist about the cup wakes up, and the gypsy inside a tenor strokes; however, a looking glass toward a boy takes a peek at a lowly bonbon.




Bogart
Geacon
Posts: 232
Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2013 9:47 am

Post by Bogart »

I have no idea what thee fuck Blair is talking about as usual.
User avatar
not tyson
Grammy Winner
Posts: 5413
Joined: Sat Aug 03, 2013 7:17 am
Height: 186cm

Post by not tyson »

User avatar
ilikecheese
Hey Jude
Posts: 2429
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:38 pm

Post by ilikecheese »

So...

If you're on topic,

are you saying Blair is 

pink and slimy

and Australian

and found by scientists

to be 'interesting,' even, 'unique?'
The above post is entertainment. It is most likely not directed at any individual unless specified. Any other interpretation, gleaning, or reckoning, of this post without the express, written, consent of Cheese, is strictly prohibited.
User avatar
badkittygothgirl
Stinkyfist
Posts: 1011
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:23 pm
Contact:

Post by badkittygothgirl »

Jesus that was painful to read.
User avatar
The Boss
LSDeeeeeee
Posts: 5784
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 9:28 pm
Height: Not A Fucking Manlet
Location: Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
Contact:

Post by The Boss »

badkittygothgirl said
Jesus that was painful to read.


I skimmed it, and it felt like it belonged on /b/.

 
O love will you read the letters I will send to you.
User avatar
hellboy
Site Admin
Posts: 12220
Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2005 10:01 pm
Height: 182cm
Contact:

Post by hellboy »

Probably means we're going to see another Aussie tour before the next album.  Possible Easter next year.
User avatar
The Boss
LSDeeeeeee
Posts: 5784
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 9:28 pm
Height: Not A Fucking Manlet
Location: Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
Contact:

Post by The Boss »

hellboy1975 said
Probably means we're going to see another Aussie tour before the next album.  Possible Easter next year.


Seriously? Do you really think that's likely?

 
O love will you read the letters I will send to you.
User avatar
hellboy
Site Admin
Posts: 12220
Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2005 10:01 pm
Height: 182cm
Contact:

Post by hellboy »


The Boss said


hellboy1975 said
Probably means we're going to see another Aussie tour before the next album.  Possible Easter next year.


Seriously? Do you really think that's likely?

 


Nah, I'm just kidding.  Then again I didn't see the last tour coming, so who knows...

 

Maybe it means Volto! will be here for the Byron Bay Bluesfest or something.  That's around Easter next year.
User avatar
ilikecheese
Hey Jude
Posts: 2429
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:38 pm

Post by ilikecheese »

I am so glad my "Blah-dar" is working (Hey, turn-about is fair play; if you can fuck around with "de-coder rings" that don't exist, I can fuck around with "radar that detects bullshit" ).

 

If I were to waste my time with

EVERY GOD DAMN IGNORANT CRYPTIC BULLSHIT 'MESSAGE' SPEWED,

I would probably do some regrettable 

Things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what did it say?
The above post is entertainment. It is most likely not directed at any individual unless specified. Any other interpretation, gleaning, or reckoning, of this post without the express, written, consent of Cheese, is strictly prohibited.
User avatar
markuspoop
Oddfellow
Posts: 1022
Joined: Mon Jul 29, 2013 7:59 pm
Contact:

Post by markuspoop »


badkittygothgirl said
Jesus that was painful to read.


I only read 1/2 of the first paragraph, skimmed the 2nd, and stopped reading there and that alone was an unbelievably painful read.
I like to poop naked.
User avatar
'][' [[]] [[]] ][,
RIP
Posts: 337
Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2009 12:49 pm
Location: All of them.

Post by '][' [[]] [[]] ][, »




Blair's a fucking clown.  Does he really think anyone wants to read that bullshit?  Miserable cunt.




User avatar
nxrm
Dan's Alias
Posts: 1800
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:13 am

Post by nxrm »

I quite enjoyed it, and it actually helped me figure out how to work through a section of a story I've been stuck on.

 

It also reminded me a bit of the short story "The Other Side of the Mountain" by Michael Bernanos. Although I much prefer Blair's hopeful outlook. There were no savior Peeps in the Bernanos story unfortunately.

 

I'm going to need to find one of those stores now.
So Long, and Thanks for All the Tool.
User avatar
The Boss
LSDeeeeeee
Posts: 5784
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 9:28 pm
Height: Not A Fucking Manlet
Location: Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
Contact:

Post by The Boss »

markuspoop said

badkittygothgirl said
Jesus that was painful to read.


I only read 1/2 of the first paragraph, skimmed the 2nd, and stopped reading there and that alone was an unbelievably painful read.


Do you think he gets paid to write stuff like that?

Because I think I hear a change in career calling for me . . .

 
O love will you read the letters I will send to you.
User avatar
joeypants
Goderator
Posts: 1704
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2011 9:51 am

Post by joeypants »

They just discovered some pink slugs on a mountain in Australia (see Tyson's link). You also get a pic of Blair outside a Peeps store, and then a long garble of stuff probably meant to amuse Blair and anyone else who finds the trolling funny. If there's a hidden message in there, it's like his other stuff: too dense to actually parse even if you wanted to. Enjoy.
Ettan
Fanboi
Posts: 96
Joined: Wed Apr 17, 2013 1:31 pm

Post by Ettan »

lol
User avatar
joeypants
Goderator
Posts: 1704
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2011 9:51 am

Post by joeypants »

Or... maybe they're getting close to hitting the studio and thus, feel confident they'll make they're usual Easter-ish release date around Maynard's birthday.
User avatar
N.Y.H.C.
Serial Thrilla
Posts: 3604
Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:22 am

Post by N.Y.H.C. »

Tyson said
http://newswatch.nationalgeographic.com ... australia/


I posted that last week, they're awesome looking. snails on DMT

 
Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship, not excuses.
Calfium Jay
Geacon
Posts: 262
Joined: Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:41 pm

Post by Calfium Jay »

The ramblings are a code. I have deciphered it.

 

They are getting ready to record the new album and it will out around Easter of next year. One of the tracks will be around 20 mins long. Another track will be ambient in nature. King Buzzo makes a guest spot on guitar on the first track.

 

It's there for all to read. Just look deeper.

 
User avatar
ilikecheese
Hey Jude
Posts: 2429
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:38 pm

Post by ilikecheese »

The Boss said

markuspoop said


badkittygothgirl said
Jesus that was painful to read.


I only read 1/2 of the first paragraph, skimmed the 2nd, and stopped reading there and that alone was an unbelievably painful read.


Do you think he gets paid to write stuff like that?

Because I think I hear a change in career calling for me . . .

 


BMB getting paid to write the newsletter/site? 

If that's true, someone is getting seriously ripped off.

 
The above post is entertainment. It is most likely not directed at any individual unless specified. Any other interpretation, gleaning, or reckoning, of this post without the express, written, consent of Cheese, is strictly prohibited.
User avatar
not tyson
Grammy Winner
Posts: 5413
Joined: Sat Aug 03, 2013 7:17 am
Height: 186cm

Post by not tyson »

ilikecheese said

The Boss said


markuspoop said


badkittygothgirl said
Jesus that was painful to read.


I only read 1/2 of the first paragraph, skimmed the 2nd, and stopped reading there and that alone was an unbelievably painful read.


Do you think he gets paid to write stuff like that?

Because I think I hear a change in career calling for me . . .

 


BMB getting paid to write the newsletter/site? 

If that's true, someone is getting seriously ripped off.

 


Only the fans

 
User avatar
hellboy
Site Admin
Posts: 12220
Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2005 10:01 pm
Height: 182cm
Contact:

Post by hellboy »

ilikecheese said 
BMB getting paid to write the newsletter/site? 

If that's true, someone is getting seriously ripped off.


Well we don't really know if Blair is being paid or not (let's presume he is for now).

But who is getting ripped off?  Personally I think it's ludicrous to assume that Tool have no idea what he's putting on their site.

 
User avatar
ilikecheese
Hey Jude
Posts: 2429
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:38 pm

Post by ilikecheese »

I wasn't pining for an answer, particularly.  That's why I kept it ambiguous enough for a reader to 

possibly think about who, if anyone, would be getting ripped off in that situation because Blair certainly

shouldn't be getting paid because his writing is awful is basically the joke....***inhalinggasp***
The above post is entertainment. It is most likely not directed at any individual unless specified. Any other interpretation, gleaning, or reckoning, of this post without the express, written, consent of Cheese, is strictly prohibited.
User avatar
Kittaan
Peen Taster
Posts: 5079
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 10:56 am
Location: , Location, Location!

Post by Kittaan »

NYHCster said

Tyson said
http://newswatch.nationalgeographic.com ... australia/


I posted that last week, they're awesome looking. snails on DMT

 


Jesus, Tyson.  Are you blind?
Ki77aan :twisted:
Post Reply